


Lightyears From Normal

by Allanahloo95



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Reality, Ben Solo Lives, Crack Crossover, Depression, F/M, Fanfiction, Force Bond (Star Wars), Kylo Ren Redemption, Redeemed Ben Solo, Star Wars - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Virgin Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:22:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28421643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allanahloo95/pseuds/Allanahloo95
Summary: To be clear... Mary has seen Star Wars... once or twice but what happens she ends up in the Star Wars universe during the sequel trilogy? Even more so, what happens when she's face to face with the fearsome Kylo Ren? Her Star Wars knowledge will be put to the test as she tries to find a way home back to normalcy.....and antidepressants.A Star Wars story like you've never read before!Trigger Warning: Story deals with Depression, suicide, Self harm and withdrawals.ALSO all characters belong to Disney and Lucasfilms aside from Mary.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 25





	1. Part I....What?

**Prologue:**

_I can’t do it today....too hard, what’s the point?_ Sighing my hand reached for my phone and silenced the alarm. Setting the phone back on my desk, my body rolled over taking a chunk of blanket with me. I had to get up today and go to class, my grades depended on it. A small surge of motivation pulled me out from under my covers and towards my closet.

Instinctively I grabbed for some jeans but after a long struggle I had lost the war with the jeans. _I couldn’t have gone up two pant sizes already... I need to lose weight._ Sighing, I replaced the jeans with some black leggings. I moved on to a light gray undershirt tank and finally my favorite navy blue cardigan. _Ok, you’re doing great, now let’s get to the bathroom._ My feet shuffled across the hallway. Teeth first. The toothbrush moved in rhythmic motions and my eyes wandered up to my reflection.

The bags under my eyes could be covered with makeup but that would require effort. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d brushed through my bird’s nest but it needed to be done. Once finished with my teeth, I grabbed my brush and slowly combed through my dark brunette roots, which faded to silver; taking deep breaths with every stroke. So far, so good. Again, I got the courage and looked back at my reflection.

My green eyes stared back at me, lifeless. There used to be a time when there was a light behind them but it was gone and who knew if it would ever come back. _Big mistake_. Putting my brush down, my eyes stung with moisture, my nose burned at the on coming sob. Closing my eyes, I shook my head trying to regain control of my emotions. I didn’t have time to lay around today, I had to go to class today. The anchor in my chest ignored me and the tears came rolling and the snot dripped from my nose.

Leaving the bathroom, my feet shrugged their way back to my bed. My body gave up and allowed me to fall on the bed like a tossed away brick. Intrusive thoughts about my self worth circled around my brain and I hadn’t the strength to argue with them today. Sobs shook my chest and bubbled through my lips. I hated this, I hated who I had become. This sad shell of a person who cried for no reason and depended on medication to have some kind of normalcy. My mind had swirled downwards and the intrusive thoughts became violent, I needed to text Padme.

Getting my phone off of the desk, I saw that Padme had already texted me. Sighing, I wiped away stray tears in order for fresh ones to come in.

‘Are u up?’

‘Are u going 2 class?’

‘Nevermind, I’m on my way. Need help 4 practice.’

Padme would be here soon, I dried off any remains of my sob fest and put on shoes then grabbed a hair tie and wrapped my hair until it was mostly up and out of my face. The downstairs door closed and shuffled feet marched up the stairs.

“Oh! Good, you’re already dressed!” Padme exclaimed from my doorway, her black and blonde curly hair falling over her shoulders.

“Yeah,” I responded. “What did you need to practice for again?” I asked, tying off the last bit of my shoe.

“My presentation... for Dr. Roberts...the head of the engineer department... for my-”

“Your portal thing, that’s right. Sorry, I forgot for a second, let’s go I’m ready.” Padme paused and moved her eyes all over my face and body.

“Are you okay today?” she asked softly. I shook my head and bit back tears. “Do you want to talk about it?” Again, I shook my head. Padme placed a hand on my shoulder and moved it back and forth on my upper back. “Are you sure you can help?” she asked again. I nodded, grabbed my backpack and keys then followed Padme out the door.

“ _An old woman was found today wandering the desert claiming to be in the wrong reality - if you can believe it_!” Padme’s radio was permanently stuck on A.M radio.

“If you sell your project please buy a new car,” I teased.

“Ha, ha, ha A.M radio really isn’t that bad,” she defended dryly. The main theme from Star Wars had started to play from Padme’s phone. Picking it up, it showed that her mother was calling.

“Do you want me to answer it?” I asked.

“Hah, how’s your Lhasa?”

“Good point,” I acknowledged handing her the phone. Padme answered in her mother’s native tongue while I let myself get distracted with the scenery. Cars were moving along the highway, the sun sat its highest peak and for everyone else it was probably an average day with nothing exciting happening to them.

“Mom says hi,” Padme’s voice brought me back to my surroundings.

“Oh, tell her I say hi back,”

“I did.”

“Oh! Did you hear that Disney+ is going to release a Obiwan Kenobi series?”

“Wait, who is that again? Is that the darth Vader guy?” Padme let out a disappointed sigh.

“No, Obiwan Kenobi _trained_ Anakin Skywalker who turned into Darth Vader,” Padme explained. The dots were connected and I could picture the actor's face in my head.

“Oh right, that’s exciting! Are they getting the same guy to do it?” I asked while Padme pulled into the lab parking lot.

“Yes! I’m so excited!” Padme squealed. I had never met a more dedicated _Star Wars_ fan than Padme. I’d heard of the _Star Wars_ series before but I didn’t watch any of them until Padme and I became roommates then she sat me down and we watched every single one then saw the last one in theaters. I enjoyed them but not as much as Padme who was raised with the Original Trilogy and the Prequel Trilogy.

Padme’s dad tricked her mom into choosing the name by giving her Tibeten name suggestions and then sneaking ‘Padme’ into the mix. Most kids would be upset that their parents would choose an irregular name but when Padme was six years old her dad sat her down and they watched all six movies and she fell in love with the universe and decided that she wanted to be an astronautical engineer.

“Remind me what this thing is supposed to do again?” I asked, rounding the corner to Padme’s lab.

“I’ll explain during the presentation.”

“But I’m not an astro engineer major, I don’t know if I’ll understand. Give me the dumbed down version so I know what to pay attention to.” Padme swiped her key card and flipped on the lights to reveal a wall to ceiling circle.

“Wow,” I breathed.

“I know,” Padme squealed. “This is supposed to prove that other realities exist besides our own.”

“Have you even tried it? Does it work?” I asked, walking closer to it. There were chords beyond chords. The fixtures on it alone had a sci-fi movie feel to it.

“No, that’s part of the practice I need. Just stand right here and I’ll go ahead and explain how it works.”

I didn’t understand the mechanics of it. I knew the definitions of some of the words she said but didn’t know how this machine that Padme had titled the “Skywalker” worked but I nodded and tried to ignore the ever present pain of depression in my chest.

“Okay, I’m going to turn it on.” Padme went towards the side of the circle and started to push different buttons. She took in a deep breath before moving a huge lever upwards.

A hum started to shake my ribs and lights around the machine had started to glow a brilliant bright blue. The center of the circle remained empty for only a moment until a violet glow started to swirl around the confines of the machine’s inside.

“It’s _working_!” Padme squealed. Just as soon as it appeared, everything shut off. “Huh, that was anticlimactic. Give me a second.” Padme went back to the side panel, muttering to herself. I headed closer to the circle to look better at the different kinds of parts it had.

The hum returned but there was something else, a whispering almost. I couldn’t quite hear what was being said.

“Padme, is it supposed to be whispering?” I asked, getting a foot closer, which in theory was not a good idea and in actuality had been a terrible idea. Something on the floor had tripped me and next thing I knew I was falling into violet light then darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

I had to be dreaming, I mean my meds had that effect of crazy dreams but I remembered waking up earlier today. I remembered Padme, my meltdown, her portal. _Portal!_ Eyes swung open to reveal a light blue sky and a hot sun burning at my skin. Sitting up, I scanned my surroundings, sand. Nothing but sand. Maybe the _Skywalker_ hadn’t worked and I was still in my own reality just in a different part of the world - hopefully still on the same continent as Padme.

Once I was on my feet, my eyes continued to look around hopefully to find a town or city or even a road. Thankfully, in the distance was something reminiscent of a town - maybe a ghost town either way I had to take my chance and pray there was at least one person with a phone I could use. 

My skin had started to swelter under my cardigan, taking it off I wrapped around my waist and continued on my way. I could’ve easily blamed the heat or the fact that my body just went through a weird broken portal but the closer I got to the town the weirder it had appeared. It had to be some kind of meeting place for LARPERs or some kind of remote convention - maybe for _Star_ _Wars_ , I remembered a lot of it took place in the desert. By the time I had reached the town, my eyes darted someone in a large, intricate lizard kind of costume.

“Hi, excuse me, do you have a phone I could borrow?” I asked. The lizard thing stared at me with its head cocked to one side. “Phone? Do you have a cell phone I can borrow? I’m stranded and need to call my fr-” The lizard interrupted me with strange sounds that didn’t resemble any kind of english or foreign language that I knew about. “Okay, you must really be committed to this Larping - have fun.”

I moved on to someone else in an intricate alien costume and they to were committed to playing their game. A deep gnawing feeling made the hair stand up on my arms and neck. My heart had quickened its pace. _What if the Portal had_ worked? It would explain the super realistic costumes and the desolate village or town or whatever. However, I still hadn’t seen any recognizable _Star_ _Wars_ characters so until a Skywalker, Solo or a Jedi popped out I would remain in the thought that I had ended up in some weird convention Larping thing out in the middle of nowhere...where no one speaks english...

My feet continued to walk around the village. You know you had to admire the dedication some people put into their costumes. Personally I’ve never cosplayed before but it’s something that I’ve always wanted to try at least once before I died.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you find him.” English! That voice had been English with an English accent! Like the speed of light my eyes darted on the owner of the voice and my body reacted to the reality of my situation faster than my mind did. Vomit rose in my throat and a dizzy spell had taken possession of my mind.

The owner of that voice had been unmistakable to me and the three vertical buns clinging tightly to this woman’s head told me that I was feet away from Daisy Ridley! I had to get her autograph or Padme would kill me! Jogging in her direction, I called out her name to which she had no response. I continued to call her until she was looking me in the face with a furrowed brow and narrowed eyes.

“Can I help you?” she asked me, the robot next to her feet beeped but his name escaped me.

“Yeah hi, sorry to bother you but my friend is a _huge_ fan of you and I was wondering if I could get your autograph for her?” Daisy stared at me, her expression unchanged.

“A huge what?” she asked, her voice defensive.

“Fan, you know she loves your character in _Star Wars_ and I know she’d kill me if I didn’t at least ask you for your autograph.”

“I-I’m sorry I think you have me confused with someone else, my name’s Rey.”

“Yeah you play Rey in _Star_ _Wars_ or-or am I on a movie set? _That_ would make _so much more sense!_ Of course! I am so sorry, I didn’t see any kind of security or anything,”

“Security? Are you alright?” she asked. The robot - or I think they’re called _droids_ in _Star_ _Wars_ ; beeped and rolled back and forth.

“Talk about being a method actor,” I snorted to myself.

A pair of hands shoved my shoulders forcibly moving me out of the way. My feet fell over themselves, leaving me no choice but to topple to the sandy ground. The droid had some cloth pulled over it, Rey - Daisy had started to fight our attackers, almost with ease as well. Getting back up on my feet my mouth opened to thank her until the droid had started making loud beeps and had gestured towards a guy with dark skin and dark hair who had been staring at us. That had to be Finn or uh the guy who played Finn - John something. Rey had started running so naturally I followed her.

There was no denying that I had been out of shape so staying with Rey’s pace was no small feat. When I finally caught up Finn- _John_ had been on the ground with Rey’s staff pointed at him. This scene seemed familiar, I know I’d already seen it before, this couldn’t be a reshooting unless they were going to follow through on Padme’s suggestion and I’m assuming many fans’s suggestions and fix the sequel trilogy.

“Hey, I’m sorry to interrupt but this just seems familiar to me, haven’t you guys already made this movie?” I asked. Finn or John still laying on the ground narrowed his eyes and glanced back to Rey-Daisy for an explanation but all she did was shrug.

“What’s a movie?” John or Finn asked. An ugly snort came flying out of my nose and mouth.

“You know I didn’t know actors were this dedicated to their roles, what’s a movie?” I shook my head and laughed.

“No really, I’ve never heard of a movie either,” Rey-Daisy joined in. Finn-John stood up on his feet and placed his arms across his chest, still scrutinizing me.

“You know what? Nevermind, where’s the camera guys or director?” I asked, neither of their expressions changed but my chest sunk in on itself. I hadn’t seen a single camera or employee and if this had really been a movie set I would’ve already been taken off and called Padme to come get me.

Finn and Rey had started to run so I jogged behind them. What other choice did I have? I wasn’t going to stay where I didn’t know anyone else. Turning my head I saw the culprit this sprint, stormtroopers - or were they clones in this one? No, no they were definitely stormtroopers and they were shooting at us. I picked up my speed and caught up with Finn and Rey. The stormtroopers saw with them so if I was taken I’d most likely be tortured for information - information I couldn’t remember all too well. When we lost the troopers we hid in a nearby tent.

“You’re marked - both of you,” Finn pointed out.

“Well thanks for that,” Rey spat and another argument ensued. My lungs were tightening and my throat closing in while my mouth was desperate for breath but I knew we weren’t done yet.

“Does anyone have any gatorade or water?” I panted but neither of them responded. Finn had moved to the front of the tent where a distant but distinct hum had echoed around us - Tie fighters. I knew those sounds from anywhere and admittedly they had been my favorite ship from the franchise.

Finn grabbed Rey’s hand and ran out of the tent. Taking a deep breath, I followed after them making sure that BB-8 was following them. A blast from the tie fighter caused an explosion where we pushed forward. Smoke and dust swirled around my throat and nose, slowly my body moved to a side position until I could sit up. Rey had hovered over Finn to make sure he was awake then she glanced at me, I nodded telling her that I was fine. Standing on my feet we started running again but my stamina had not been what used to be, I knew that they were eventually going to the Falcon so that gave me a 30 second break to catch my breath. Tie fighter blasters were going off all around me and after a few more deep breaths I headed off in the direction of the Falcon but at a much slower pace. Another blast shook the ground leaving me to topple over again. Frantically I pushed my legs to get up and move forward until both of my arms were pulled. Stormtroopers had grabbed me and started to drag me away from the Falcon. I couldn't fight off two troopers - maybe one but definitely not two. I had no other option than to scream for Rey and Finn, I could see them getting onto the Falcon, I screamed louder. Finn stopped halfway on the ship, stared at me then moved forward onto the Falcon.

This couldn’t have been the same _Star_ _Wars_ , because no version of this would Finn leave someone behind, then again, he didn’t know me and neither did Rey. Who was I really? A nobody, I had no place in this story, I was nothing. Merely a piece out of place and honestly did I really think that I could survive _Star_ _Wars_? The troopers took me onto a shuttle-like ship, placed some space shackles on me and we had started towards space. I knew in my gut that this would be the end for me.

“Um where are you taking me exactly?” I asked.

“Quiet - rebel scum,” they sneered.

“I’m not who you think I am, I’m not important - no one cares about me I doubt whoever is going to interrogate me is going to see anything different.”

“I said _quiet_.” A sharp pain spread like lightning around my eye and eyebrow. My feet stumbled but thankfully I remained on my feet.

After a while we came in contact with another planet except I remembered that this was no planet it was the death star - no wait it was star killer base, which meant Kylo Ren was on that ship.


	3. Chapter 3

The only thing I really remembered about Starkiller base was that in the movie the ship fighters had to shoot at one specific thing in order for it to explode. Though it didn’t really work until Han, Chewie and Finn laid bombs all around it when they came to save Rey. I wasn’t Rey so no one would come for me but maybe I could save Han that way. I still needed a way out but I didn’t have the force so getting out of my current restraints was close to impossible.

My back ached against the cool metal. The table was slim and not meant for plus sized individuals. However, the arm restraints were worse, they were tight and cutting circulation but I had bigger problems now. Any moment the second hand Vader would come in and ask me questions about BB-8, answers that I really didn’t have. My brain raced over all the _Star Wars_ knowledge that I did have in order to come up with a plan to stay alive and eventually hopefully escape.

The hissing of a door opening made my body unintentionally flinch but I kept my eyes trained on the steel gray wall in front of me. I didn’t want to look at the person coming in because if it wasn’t no named brand Vader then it would be that ginger guy with the anger issues. Heavy footsteps tromped into my holding cell and a dark figure dressed in all black stood in front of me.

Intimidation could be the only word used to describe the man. Even in this contraption he still towered over me. His shoulders were wide and his arms were long. My breathing picked up and my heart raced.

“You’re afraid,” the static voice of second best Vader broke the silence. I couldn’t remember his name, I knew it had Ben in it but I couldn’t remember if that was a part of his fake name or just his real name.

“Well it’s hard not to be with your mask and distorted static voice,” I answered somewhat dryly. Humor had been my coping mechanism when I was terrified, Padme loved going with me to haunted houses because the things I’d say would help her be less afraid. Not Darth Vader clicked under his mask which released another hiss then he removed his mask.

There are two very important things that I had forgotten. One, Ben was more attractive in person than on film. The cut of his jaw, his full lips, his brown eyes and even his moles were twice as beautiful in person. The other thing, I had no confidence in talking to attractive men.

I clamped my eyes shut and shook my head, trying to put the image of his grotesquely angelic face out of my mind - to no avail.

“C-can you put the mask back on please?” I asked, feeling my face burn with blush. Ben let out a soft snort, which of course was kind of beautiful to listen to.

“Why? I thought the mask scared you. Am I more terrifying without it?” he asked. I shook my head, keeping my eyes shut.

“No, worse you’re too pretty and I have a really hard time talking to attractive males,” I admitted. 

“Open your eyes and look at me,” he demanded. “I’m not going to ask you again.” Tentatively my eyes opened and there he stood with the utmost serious expression sprawled on his face.

“I can’t remember your name and it’s kind of killing me but I have an idea of what it is so let me guess and then we can move on to you torturing me because I don’t know anything anyway,” I paused for a moment looking around his face but avoiding his eyes, I knew they would pull me in and keep me there if I let them.

“I’m thinking something with a ‘K’?” he remained motionless. “Kai? No, no Kai-Ka- _Klye_! Kyle Ben! Ah I feel better now - okay we can continue.” Kyle’s body stiffened and his face contorted in on itself. With one on swift move Kyle leaned inches away from my face.

“Do not _ever_ call me _Ben_. My _name_ is _Kylo Ren_ ,” he sneered. Oh. Right. That sounded better than Kyle Ben.

“Now tell me about the droid,” he ordered in a calmer voice.

“Which droid? Are you talking about R2D2? He was Luke Skywalker’s droid and before that it was Anakin’s I believe. Or do you mean C3PO? I-I think he’s tall and knows different languages a-and Anakin built him as well - or-or-” Kylo’s hand moved in front of my face but nothing happened. “Look, the only thing I know about BB-8 is that he has a-a map piece to Luke.”

“Incredible,” Kylo muttered under his breath. His head moved from side to side for a few moments before speaking again.

“You have extraordinary power but you’ve hidden it - suppressed it with some kind of drug.” He was looking into my thoughts.

“You could be great, what else is inside your head?” My head had been the darkest place that not a single soul could penetrate and he wouldn’t be the first. I needed to distract him.

“I know things about you,” I paused. “I know your father is Han Solo, I-I know that you think that your uncle Luke betrayed you and for the record I have no idea why Luke Skywalker would even think about killing his nephew when his own father who had already killed hundreds of people was deemed worth saving. I know that when the time is right you’ll come back to the light side.” The words poured out of me before Kylo could silence them. “I also know that you and Rey are going to love each other and you’re going to give your life for her.” My throat started to tighten, if my hands hadn’t been restrained they would’ve been at my neck scratching for breath.

“Stop it,” Kylo whispered - almost begging.

My eyes finally met his and instead of anger it had been fear, tears were nearly about to fall past his eyelids. I shouldn’t have felt guilty but I did but I shouldn’t have because my therapist told me that it isn’t my responsibility to take care of other people’s feelings - but still. Knowing his life and what his future held for him, I couldn’t help but overcome the need to feed my savior complex. Amidst my spiraling thoughts, I hadn’t noticed that my breathing went back to normal.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I-I didn’t mean,” I sighed. “Look, I don’t know anything that you don’t, so if you’re going to kill me then please just do it already,” Kylo relaxed his body and his head moved to one side. “I’m lightyears away from home and I don’t think I’m ever going to get home so please just do it,” I sighed looking away from him. Kylo lingered a moment, as if he were going to say something more but instead he grabbed his helmet and stomped out of the room.

An exhausted breath mixed with a sob left my mouth. I had no idea what he planned on doing to me but I could feel deep down that it wouldn’t be good and it wouldn’t be what I wanted. Padme would’ve killed for a chance to be where I was and if I weren’t so miserable then I think to some extent I would be excited to visit a world that’s different from mine and one that’s kind of familiar to me. 

The anchor in my chest had started to pull me down, and my own tears had started to drip down my face. Clenching my lips tight, I didn’t fight the sadness. My fear hadn’t been to die because in the last few months it’s what I’ve wanted and since no one I cared about would be here it wouldn’t be like if I had ended my own life back at home. No one would care. Even if I could make it out of here alive, where would I go? The only people I know are the main characters and they’re involved with First Order and I had nothing to offer by the means of helping so where did that leave me? It was decided and all my pain numbed. I needed to escape so I could die.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you read the warnings because there is a MAJOR trigger warning for this chapter. It centers around suicide and an attempt takes place. However, if you still want to read the chapter but skip that part, I'll bold the first word where the attempt starts and the bold the last word for the end of the attempt. And PLEASE remember that if you or someone you know if suffering from suicidal thoughts or tendencies PLEASE call the hotline : 1-800-273-8255
> 
> Thank you.

_1...2...3!_ My wrists yanked against the thick steel cuffs that held me down and nothing happened, just like the last few times. Frustration at my own weakness festered in my core, I never could do anything right. Why would this be any different? My eyes scanned around the room for anything to help but the darkly lit room was clean of anything that could’ve been useful. _Try again...breathe...control..._ a deep voice danced around my ears making gooseflesh perk up around my neck. Had I really gone completely batshit crazy? Or was it the fact that I was going to do what it told me to that made me crazy?

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath, feeling ridiculous and still frustrated. In my mind I saw the restraints. They reminded me of my plan and more importantly my resolve for this plan. The restraints in my mind opened but it would be impossible for that to be real, I would have to try again the normal way. I counted off again, my muscles bracing for any backlash that would occur. _1...2...3!_ My wrist swung up against the cuff and instead of my hand getting stopped, both wrists were up in the air.

My eyelids swung open and in utter disbelief there were my free arms and legs. I had to act fast if I was going to finish what I started.

“Hey!” a trooper called from the doorway. My adrenaline had started pumping, I had no choice but to run towards the trooper, who had his gun aimed for me and push him to the ground. The disturbing part had been that it was rather easy to push him down since he was bigger than me.

“They really need to work on your stance training,” I panted, running past him. Opening the door, I didn’t even look to see if anyone was coming, I didn’t want to give that one trooper an opportunity to get up and tackle me.

Frantically I ran around the surprisingly empty dark halls of Starkiller base. _Where was everyone_? I had no idea about the time or how long I’d been in the cell. Maybe Ben had already killed Han? No, it's too quiet for that, plus I would’ve heard an explosion by now.

Slowing to a walk, I paused to catch my breath and maybe try that thing I did in the cell but instead of opening latches, I'd look for a place that I could plunge down. Chuckling at myself, I shook my head. I had no idea what happened in there but it had to have been a one in a million chance. If I continued to walk straight I’d have to run into something that I could jump off of. Did I _really_ want this? This was my life, was I so desperate for freedom that I would consider suicide? _Yes..._ my inner demon confirmed. It was right, if I didn’t do it now where no one cared, I wouldn’t do it ever.

My feet ached and my stomach growled but I ignored them, soon they wouldn’t matter. I wandered into an opening, an exit of the inside of Starkiller base and before that a long bridge - _the_ bridge where Kylo Ren would kill his father. **My** feet inched to the edge, my future begging me to join it at the bottom of the shaft. This is what my life had come to, me in a not so fictional world that Padme would enjoy and I stood at the edge waiting for the one second of courage it would take me to fall over and find peace.

The one small insignificant piece of me that clung to life howled at me to reconsider, it flashed pictures of my family and friends - all people who didn’t know what happened to me who would search for me for a little bit but then eventually give up. Steady streams of tears painted my cheeks, my ribs shook with self contained sobs. My chest ripped with pain, all of my painful emotions surfacing. My body moved to sit on the ground, my legs hanging on the edge. Through blurred vision, I stared down the shaft and screamed, letting out all of my grief and self-loathing. It didn’t matter if anyone saw me, what would they do? Shoot me? Push me into the shaft? Death is what I wanted so it didn’t matter.

My hands gripped the sides of the ledge, my eyes closed and I took in a shaky breath. It probably wouldn’t even hurt, depending on how high it is, I’d most likely die of a heart attack before hitting the bottom. _Goodbye_... I started listing off names of those who would never see me again. One last deep breath and a few muscles moved. The ledge was no longer under me but I hadn’t fallen. **My** body hovered over the shaft then moved on its own out of the shaft and away from the ledge. I swung my head around and saw Ben with both of his hands out, pulling me towards him with the force.

Hot anger flashed on my face and I waited until I had been on my feet again before punching him in the chest.

“You had no right to do that!” I screamed, hair falling over my shoulder. Ben’s stoic and statue face didn’t move, making it impossible to read him.

“I’m your captor, I have _every_ right,” he challenged back with a calm voice. My body leaned in closer to his, my face only mere inches from his.

“You have _no_ claim on _my_ life. You’re going to kill me anyways, why not just let me do it myself?” I snarled. Ben’s huge brown eyes poured into mine but they weren’t angry like mine, they were soft - almost in pity.

“Supreme Leader Snoke, wants to see you,” he responded. “Now are you going to walk by yourself like a good girl or am I going to have to shackle you?” he asked, his voice low like a pur. Who did he think he was, thinking he could talk to me like that? The nerve.

“I’ll walk,” my voice seethed from my lips.

Ben started to walk and I followed him with a couple of troopers marching behind us. My blood still boiled at the memory of Kylo Ren stopping me from my task. The little piece of me that clung to life however, was grateful and reminded me that I had another chance at life that I shouldn’t waste. What did that piece know?

The halls on Starkiller base were all the same, straight and a metallic black with no signs anywhere. How did people know where they were going? More troopers and people in uniforms passed us now. _Where were they before?_ It didn’t make sense on how I had been able to slip through the base undetected but now they were everywhere. I couldn’t even use ‘movie logic’ as an argument because this hadn’t been a movie this time. This was real, I had transported into a real version of _Star Wars_ where I had taken Rey’s place - well not completely. She was still the main new jedi that would change Kylo Ren to Ben Solo and save everyone so where would my place be? Perhaps Snoke wanted to kill me himself? 

Two tall metal doors groaned open revealing another dark room. The ceiling reminded me of something you’d see in a castle. The entirety of the room was like a cave with raw rock from the planet circling the entirety of the room and matching columns all around it. At the end of the cave stood a towering throne with a holographic version of Snoke, sneering down at Ren and I.

“So this is the girl, you mentioned my young apprentice,” Snoke’s voice echoed and bounced off the caved walls. “Closer child, I want to sense your power for myself.”

“I know who you _really_ are so you can sense all you want while I’m right here Emperor -” My body was pulled forward taking the air I had in my chest with it . My body was shifted up so that I had been eye level with Palpatine. That’s another thing I remembered.

“My young apprentice was correct in your having power and it being suppressed by..something,” he paused then let out a short laugh. “Yes, I feel your hatred towards me, your anger but your despair is the strongest emotion. You shall become a powerful sith - perhaps more powerful than my apprentice,” Snoke-Palpatine hummed before placing me back on my feet. “Take her to Mustafar - to your grandfather’s palace to train,” he ordered.

“No!” I called out. If he did that, then he’d never meet Rey, never kill his father, which starts him on his path back to the light side.

“I have spoken,” Snoke snapped before disappearing. Kylo grabbed me by the upper arm and pulled me out of the throne room.

“No, no you don’t understand we _can’t_ go to Mustafar! You-you have to meet Rey so-so she can _help_ you!” Kylo yanked me close to him, his eyes now ablaze with anger.

“I don’t know who _Rey_ is but I don’t need her _help_ ,” he growled, his arm tightening around me. “The Supreme Leader wants us in Mustafar so _that’s_ where we’re going,” he finished, his voice more calm but still with hints of anger attached. 

I should’ve stood up to him, show him that I wasn’t scared of him or to die but instead the image of Han Solo’s face popped in my head, he would be safe. _Han Solo_ would _live_ if I left with Kylo and maybe _I_ could help him on the right path. I already knew the important parts about his life, I just had to help him until he met Rey then the Dyad would be together then maybe Han and Leia could see their son again. _  
_


	5. Chapter 5

Kylo’s steps had been quick and concise, we were in a rush to get to Mustafar. The name of the planet seemed familiar to me but with my limited _Star Wars_ knowledge I couldn’t remember exactly when and where I’d heard of it. I’m sure Padme would’ve already known this but I didn’t realize that Darth Vader had a palace. I just figured he followed Palpatine like an angry puppy.

“Keep up,” Kylo barked behind his mask. I was jogging at this point but at least I could count it as exercise.

The halls were busy with troopers, admirals and lieutenants all clearing the way from Kylo’s path. Some of them visibly shuddered in his presence and I couldn’t blame them. Kylo only allowed them to see one side of him and if I remembered it’s because that’s how he saw himself - as a monster or at least he would after he killed his father. I needed to find another way to make him see - he got really freaked out when I mentioned his past, maybe that would work?

“Why have you stopped?” Kylo demanded. I didn't realize that I had stopped. His face a towered over mine. Kylo didn’t scare me, he should but he didn’t but now hadn’t been the time to show him. I relaxed my defiant brows and my pout before taking a calming breath.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed but you're a fast walker and I’m not... would it be alright if we slowed down?” I asked, my voice as charming as possible, given the situation. Kylo’s mask offered no hint to what he was thinking, which irked me. He stayed silent longer than necessary for a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response. People walked around us but not before stealing a look at the fearsome Kylo Ren and the fat girl wondering what his move would be. Kylo’s gloved hand clasped onto my wrist and he continued to walk the mazed halls at the exact same pace a before until we reached the main hangar.

We marched straight for a shuttle looking ship with a small group of troopers standing in formation. Kylo ignored them all and hauled me aboard the ship only releasing my wrist once the troopers were inside and the ramp had closed behind them. I found a spot to sit that had a small window next to it and made myself as comfortable as possible. The ship lifted and left the hangar. Looking down at my wrist, I saw the remnants of my own scars and remembered Kylo’s hand on my wrist hadn’t been tight, nothing like when he grabbed my arm from the throne room. _Why didn’t he? Why the sudden soft touch?_ Blinking, I halted my brain from going any further. Now hadn’t been the time to overanalyze something so trivial; I needed to come with a more detailed plan than simply mentioning his past but that had to be the first step.

Closing my eyes, I attempted to go back to the times when Padme and I would watch _Star Wars_ but more specifically the sequel trilogy. Rey would be doing the heavy lifting once they met and Ben would figure out that they shared a connection but how did I jump start that? Leia’s death scene popped in my head. _Of course!_ The death of Leia and how much he loves his mother is something that brings him away from anger. I needed to talk about Leia as much as possible but not here. With his troopers around his walls would be up - or at least mine would if I were him.

The shuttle pulled into light speed and a bright blue hue whisked around us. Kylo had moved away from the pilot’s chair and taken a seat across from me without his mask on and his back straight and tall.

“Once we get to my grandfather’s palace we’ll begin your training,” he paused, his brown eyes wandering all over my body. “However I don’t know if we’ll be able to access those same emotions from the bridge with whatever is in your system,” he contemplated.

“I’m sorry you mean to tell me that you guys don’t have antidepressants here?” I paused and searched Kylo’s face but it revealed nothing. “How do you treat mental illnesses here?” I asked.

“A sickness of the mind is not to be treated but embraced; we do not cloud our emotions,” Kylo responded. It sounded nothing like him, more like he was reciting some kind of teaching.

“What’s the galaxy’s suicide rate?” I asked, my voice hollow. Kylo blinked and eyed his troopers.

“Why would I know something like that?” he asked curtly.

“Aren’t you supposed to know everything?” I responded in the same tone. Kylo cocked his head to one side as he continued to stare at me.

“Interesting,” he breathed.

“What?” I asked with raised brows. A corner of Kylo’s lips twitched but he never broke eye contact.

“Your mind is so shielded - nothing I can’t handle of course but it isn’t as easy to unlock. Have you ever trained with a Jedi?” he asked. I shook my head, the heat from my stomach and chest had started to bubble over.

“No and you want to know why? I’m in the wrong realm, universe or whatever you call it. I’m from Earth in the year 2019. I’m a college student, studying literature so that one day I can either write or teach - maybe both. In my world this-” my arms made a wide circle. “This is all _fake_! It’s not real. My friend Padme loves this universe and made a stupid portal which I tripped in. The Jedi, the Sith aren’t real. You know what _is_ real? My meds, I literally can’t function properly without them and now I don’t have that.” It all spilled out of me before I could pace or stop myself but boy did I feel better, maybe it was time to go back to therapy. A corner of Kylo’s lips perked up and he finally broke eye contact with me. In the distance a stormtrooper coughed to what I assumed was to cover up a laugh.

Rolling my eyes, I turned my attention back to the window at the swirling shades of blue. My teeth bit down my bottom lip while my mind raced for a solution to my upcoming problem - withdrawal. It wouldn’t happen right away, I had a couple of days before the symptoms started. I just prayed that this would be over soon and I could get home.

Coming out of hyperspace, I turned my attention to the main window where the co pilot and now Kylo sat. In front of us had been an overwhelmingly red planet. Again, it resembled something that I had seen before in _Star Wars_ , but even with it in front of me I couldn’t place it.

We entered the atmosphere and I was able to more closely see the contents of the planet, which had been lava. With a few exceptions the planet was drenched in molten lava that moved like rivers or stayed still like a pond.

“We’re coming up on the palace Lord Ren,” a trooper announced. Kylo had put his mask back on. Not too far ahead of us stood a thin lingering building, covered in black. If I was being honest it kind of looked like a burnt cupcake with a black candle on top of it. My stomach growled. I couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten and with all the running, I needed protein and some gatorade but I knew that one of those things would be impossible to have.

The shuttle landed and the ramp lowered. All the troopers pushed their away ahead of me. Kylo gently grabbed my elbow, urging me forward. I obeyed without complaint the time for escape was done so I had no other choice than to walk alongside him and venture into the heat. The stormtroopers stood at formation again as Kylo and I walked down the ramp and remained that way until we were out of sight. The palace had been bigger in person, like overwhelmingly bigger.

“Follow me,” Kylo beckoned with a familiar soft tone. With a gloved hand outstretched, I reached for it and followed my captor and new master into the black castle.


	6. Chapter 6

The inside of the castle hadn’t been much different than the outside. The interior of the palace was a matted marble black color with intense bloodlike lines that wove its way in the walls - almost as if it were the walls' veins. Once the doors closed behind us, Kylo dropped my hand and his quick speed picked up again. Great. Didn’t anyone here know about the quote that tells you to enjoy the journey or something like that?

We moved to the top floor of the palace where there had been more doors and more hallways to get lost in. Sweat had started dripping down the sides of my face and forehead. My hand swiped at the sweat as fast as it could but with every wipe a new wave of salty sweat came down. The negative thoughts had returned but I was quick to shut them down. I didn’t have time to address my self-loathing.

Finally, Kylo had stopped in front of a door that looked no different than any other door we had passed. My obvious loud panting had Kylo craning his neck towards me but not for long.

“If simply walking tires you out then tomorrow’s training might prove to be too much for you,” Kylo’s even voice criticized. That’s it. I’d had it, there was no way on God’s green earth or in this weird lava planet that I was going to let this man talk to me that way and since he still had his mask on, I'd be able to actually tell him off.

“ _Excuse you_?” Kylo’s head turned back to me, his helmet showing no inclination of his expression. “I am _not_ sweating because of ‘simply _walking_ ’. This-” I motioned towards my body and it’s perspiration. “This is from _dehydration_! I haven’t eaten or drank anything since I got to this stupid universe. I have no idea how many days it’s been since I got kidnapped or captured or whatever. Also you walk as if you’re in some kind of race! I have to jog just to keep up with you! How dare you make such an ugly assumption about me when you know absolutely _nothing_.” My voice had been quick like a viper and my words just as poisonous. The tension had grown thick, but Kylo remained completely stoic in posture.

“You’re angry - good, use that anger tomorrow and _maybe_ we’ll accomplish something,” he paused to open the door. “This will be your room, mine is directly under yours so I’ll know your every step.” Kylo moved aside so I could go inside. "Also it hasn't been a full day since you've been with us," he added quietly. Pouting, I walked past him into the my quarters.

As soon as I’d passed the threshold the door hissed shut. Thankfully the lights turned on automatically. Turning around, I saw a button pad. One of them had to be a button to open the door but nothing happened whenever a button was pressed. Giving up, I turned around to see my new accommodations.

Again, everything was black but it had a more cave feel - similar to the throne room on Starkiller base. The walls were covered in basaltic rock, which came to no surprise considering the environment, but behind the rocks had been a bright white light that had illuminated the entire room. In the center of the room had been a double bed with black bedding _Of course. At least it isn’t a small bed_. On another wall had been a dresser - black but inside were clothes. _They probably don’t fit,_ I criticized. I knew there were big aliens but all the humans had slim bodies. Then again, the _Star Wars_ that _I_ knew were movies and yet everyone looked like their movie selves so far. I had to stop thinking about it or else I'd hurt my head more than it already did.

Reaching into the dresser I pulled a pair of black pants out and held them up to my waist. It would be a tight fit but I think I could squeeze my way into them. Rummaging further I found tops that would most definitely fit and...underwear... and bras. An obvious necessity but the last thing I expected to find in my dresser - well maybe not the _last_ thing.

There had been no stopping my mind, it had already flashed smutty images involving Kylo Ren and me. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t attracted to Ben Solo or even Kylo Ren when Padme and I had watched the movies and I’d be lying further if I said that I hadn’t read any reader insert smut online about him. It didn't help that he was even more gorgeous in real life - even though he was still a dick; but I knew that would eventually change.

Verbally groaning at myself, I dropped the under garments and focused on something else. In a furthest corner from the bed had been another door with only one button. Pressing it revealed a bathroom. The walls were a marbled black with white woven in instead of the red out in the hallways. A white sink on one side with a toilet next to it and on the opposite side a bath that had been built into the floor with a shower head directly above it. _Why would Darth Vader need such a luxurious bathroom?_ Obviously this hadn’t been his room but it was still too fancy for someone who didn’t take conventional baths like everyone else. _Maybe this_ was _a dream, this seemed like a fan fic I've read. Well this can't be a fan fic because I'd be prettier and wouldn't have a messed up brain._ I sighed disappointed.

However confusing this had all been a bath was exactly what I needed. Messing with the faucets until I got where I wanted I went back into my room and peeled off my sweat encrusted clothes then scampered back into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me.

I may have been in a different universe with no way back home and a lost angry man as my captor but at least bathing had remained the same with clear warm water - actual water. My body sunk down until the water had hit my chin, a moan left my mouth and the tension in my shoulders shrank a little bit. The conversations, sights, body languages and my attempt from the day swirled around my head. I had no idea how Kylo felt towards me - obviously not in a romantic sense but I had no idea where we stood or what lines I could push before it became too much. He said we’d be training tomorrow, I need him to trust me a little bit so I could worm my way into this thoughts like Palpatine did. So technically for all intents and purposes I’d have to train to be a Sith in order to save Ben from himself and potentially the entire galaxy. I wondered what Padme would've done in this situation. Well first she wouldn't have gotten captured because she loved to run and secondly she'd probably flirt with Poe - or Han. In any case I wish she was here with me.

A sigh left my lips, causing some bubbles to grow and pop in front of me. Maybe this would be too much for someone like me. I mean I was barely hanging on with my meds, what if I’m no use without them? Was my plan doom to fail from the beginning and that’s why Palpatine allowed me to train? The spiraling had started. Shaking my head, I held my nose and plunged my head underwater. Coming back up again, I tried to think of anything else. A song popped in my head, it had been my comfort song too!

_“I don't need you to worry for me 'cause I'm alright_

_I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home_

_I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life_

_Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone!”_

I sang Billy Joel’s lyrics and bobbed my head along with the rhythm. I repeated the chorus over and over again with more enthusiasm than the time before until for a moment I believed his words. Everything would be alright, I would either live and be successful or I would die trying.

Finishing with my bath, I scooped up a towel and wrapped it around me - or wrapped what would fit around me. Going in front of the mirror, I sang the lyrics one last time before nodding and heading back into my room.

The door hissed opened and a silver droid robot stood in the center of the room. A shriek left my mouth as my hands tightened around my towel. The robot made a noise similar to mine but I wouldn’t call it a shriek.

“Who are you?” I demanded, fear controlling my voice.

“I do apologize, my name is TC-394 and I am at your service.” The droid’s voice had been feminine, which had made me more comfortable.

“Sorry, I just didn’t realize that there were still C-3PO droids,” I answered, my pulse racing. TC took a step back.

“Pardon me but I am _not_ a 3PO droid! I may be outdated but I assure you that I’m more qualified than a 3PO,” TC clapped back.

“Right, sorry I’m not from around here,” I commented, my cheeks growing red.

“Quite alright mistress. I have been ordered to bring you dinner and refreshment, where would you like me to place it?” My eyes scanned a place for TC to set a tray that I didn’t know she had been holding down and rested my sight on a small coffee table and a chair. I didn’t remember seeing those in my initial scan of the room.

“Um just there,” I pointed to the table.

“Very good mistress.” TC shuffled towards the table and sat down the tray.

“Also, just call me Mary.” TC stared, her gears most likely adjusting to the request.

“As you wish mistress Mary, is there anything else I can do for you?” she asked. Sighing I shook my head, no point in correcting her.

“No, thank you TC.” She started for the door when a request popped up. “Wait - TC!” the droid stopped and turned her attention back to me. “I need something to write on like paper and a pen or um a notepad of some kind. Can you get something like that for me?”

“Of course mistress Mary, I’ll find something for you. Would that be all?” she asked.

“Yes, thank you.” TC turned back towards the door and pressed one of the same buttons I had pressed earlier but instead of a no response the door slid open and TC shuffled out. Once the door closed, I pressed the exact same button and received no response.

“Gah!” I groaned, frustrated.

Once changed into my all black attire I went towards the tray. My stomach growled, demanded to be fed so I obeyed. Nothing on the tray looked familiar but I had no place to be picky and to be honest it wasn’t the worst thing I’d ever eaten - definitely edible.

My body begged me to sleep and I would not disobey. Climbing under the sheets, I realized that I had no idea how to turn off the lights. None of the buttons worked so it couldn’t have been that. Maybe it was automatic and they would eventually turn off or maybe... A smirk played on my lips as my hands went above my body and clapped. The lights turned off. A boisterous laugh would not be silenced in the dark. I couldn’t believe that had actually worked, another thing that would bring me joy while I was here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know! 2 chapters in a single week! Consider me inspired but don't get used to it! May the Force be with y'all


	7. Chapter 7

"Good morning mistress Mary," TC's voice greeted. Peeling back my eyelids I watched TC as she picked up my empty tray from yesterday and stopped in front of my bed.

"What time is it?" I asked, my voice groggy from sleep.

"It's early and Master Ren has requested you in the training room." _Of course he has_. Stretching, I swung my legs over to the side of the bed, my mind churning the different things that would most likely happen today and then like lightning it hit me. _I don't actually have the Force!_

"Are you quite alright mistress Mary? You're as white a Wompa." All my confidence from yesterday had disintegrated. Numbly, I stood up and started to get dressed.

Now what? I couldn't go in there and tell him, imagine that conversation. _"Hi good morning Kylo Ren! I have a question... I know you and Snoke think that I have the force but I actually don't.... So can I leave? Oh and by the way your mother misses you and wants nothing more than for you to come home so be a good boy and apologize to your mother!"_ I didn't see a positive ending to that conversation, perhaps a lightsaber to the gut. I had no other choice but to pretend the best I could and pray that I could change his mind before he found out the truth.

"No - yes, I'm alright sorry TC. Could you show me where the training room is?" I asked, tying off my shirt. TC bowed the top half of her body then gestured towards the open door.

Out in the hall again, I tried to find something distinctive so I could find my way back to my room without needing assistance but there wasn't really anything to tell the difference. Every door looked just like mine and every hallway was marbled red, the only difference was that the training room had been a floor below me.

A few troopers passed TC and I but they weren't at attention, neither did they acknowledge us, which had been perfectly fine with me; the less the attention the better. TC stopped in front of a set out double doors and her hand motioned towards the handle.

"Is there anything else I can help you with mistress Mary?" she asked. Anxiety rang high in my ears but I managed to shake my head and watch her leave out of my peripheral.

Taking a few long and slow breaths and chanting Billy Joel's lyric from last night once in my brain, my hands grasped the handles and swung the doors open as quietly as possible. The training room was also black ( _surprise surprise)_ but it had more splashes of white than any other room - including mine. The white balanced the dark, which seemed a strange sight to find in a _Sith's_ training room. On the floor sat a bright red mat with Kylo Ren sitting cross legged in the center.

His mask was off, which meant it would be difficult speaking to him and even worse he wore a black tank top which exposed his arm muscles. _Oh my giddy aunt, he's gorgeous!_ One of the corner's of Kylo's lips pulled upwards. _Shit.. Have to be more careful with my thoughts._

"Try being quieter with your thoughts, might help you better," his deep velvet voice responded. My cheeks flushed with an unmistakable red while his deep brown eyes opened and met mine.

"Are you ready to begin?" he asked calmly. I nodded, taking in one last long breath. Without moving Kylo reached out with his hand and patted on the mat right in front of him. Gulping, I moved to take my place in front of him.

Once sitting, Kylo reached behind him and held out a piece of Basaltic rock and placed it between us. I stared at the rock then back to him, waiting for some instruction.

"We're just testing your limits today, move the rock." _Play dumb_. With my hand I went for the rock but Kylo's callused hand captured my wrist. "Use the force to move the rock," he clarified.

"Um, I've never used the force before. I-I- I'm not sure what to do. Do I just pic-picture the rock?" I asked, stumbling over my words. Kylo sighed, no doubt trying to find patience with me.

"Close your eyes," he ordered. Obeying, I closed them. I vaguely remembered this part in _Last Jedi_ but it happened with Luke and Rey. "Picture something that hurt you." My eyes snapped open.

"What?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"Keep your eyes closed and find a memory of when you were in pain, or scared," Kylo repeated with an impatient growl. Well I had plenty of painful or scary memories to choose from. Thinking he was going to see inside my head I chose a more tame memory, one he wouldn't question too much.

I was at my annual Girl Scout summer camp with my troop. I hadn't wanted to go but mom had insisted since I spent all that time selling cookies. I saw a chubbier me with beautiful long brown hair, untouched by bleach or hair dye. Her round face smiled at the other girls asking if she could play mermaids with them in the lake. The smaller girls pointed and laughed. They laughed at my one piece swimsuit that didn't fit right and my goggles that were too small for my head.

"Poor Mary, you're not pretty enough to play mermaids with us!" Ashley Burton cackled. The laughs from the other girls echoed in my head. Soon it felt as if the entire beach was laughing at me. Anger, humiliation roared in front of me, _worthless... I'm worthless..._

"Stop!" Kylo barked. My eyes snapped open again and after a quick look around the room, a sigh of relief broke through me. "That's not powerful enough."

"What do you mean that's not powerful enough? Did you not see that memory?" I asked, anger still brewing inside my stomach.

"So you got made fun of by some little girls, that isn't _real_ pain," he criticized. If flames could spark behind eyes, mine would be a furnace. Standing up on my feet, I glowered down at Kylo.

"You do _not_ get to tell me what is _real_ pain and what isn't. You have _no_ idea what it was like to be ostracized at such a young age!" I shouted. Kylo remained on the floor, his own anger emanating from his body.

"Please, that's nothing compared to _my_ childhood," he snapped. I walked away from him so I wouldn't have to bend my head so low.

"Oh _poor_ Ben Solo! Your mother's a princess and your dad helped save the entire galaxy all while being the best smuggler in the universe! You have my sympathy," I raged. I turned to leave the room in order to cool down but Kylo's strong hand clasped itself to my scarred wrist and he yanked me back so I was forced to stare at his angry dark eyes.

"My mother may have been a princess and my father the greatest smuggler but _you_ have no idea what that was like," his voice snarled, low and in his chest. My mouth pursed into a tight pout. We were at odds with one another, neither of us seeing the other's perspective. I moved closer to his face, my heart threatening to pulse out of my chest.

"Your family _loves_ you. I don't care what you think, I _know_ that they'd give anything to have you back." Kylo's grip loosened, his breathing trembled. Taking my hand back, I turned on my heel and stomped out of the room.

I needed to get out of here. Calmly, I walked down the last two flights of stairs and strolled out the door. No one stopped me, probably because there wasn't anywhere I could really go. As soon as the warm, smoky air hit my throat, my feet broke out in a run. The ground hadn't been even and most of the running turned out to be jumping from rock to rock. I didn't manage to get very far before my legs and lungs begged for relief but there was still a storm of anger raging inside me. Turning my body towards the lava lake I expanded my lungs, taking in all the air I could and let out the loudest, bloodcurdling scream possible. In it I poured out my anger at Kylo, at myself, at Padme. I _never_ would've been here if it hadn't been for Padme and her stupid obsession for _Star Wars_. Breathing in deep again, I shouted swear words at a non present Padme.

Tired out from the screaming, I found a semi flat rock for me to sit on. My eyes grew red and started to sting. Combined with the smoke and high emotions, tears fell from my face. I didn't cry out of anger often but I figured that this was an appropriate time. _The_ _song_ , I needed the song to calm down. My mind sang Billy Joel's lyrics but my emotions were too much for the song to work. The anger boiled inside me was too intense, in no time the rage would come out like fire from a dragon, yet nothing came. I hated Padme, I hated myself, I hated Kylo, I hated being _attracted_ to Kylo - even now. If he had come outside and told me that he's sorry and that he loves me, I would pounce on that man. _Have more self respect for yourself, you're pathetic_. My body had folded in on itself as sobs continued to erupt from me.

I had no idea what time it was or what time of day it had been, everything looked the same but all the tears I had in my system were gone leaving me exhausted and numb. Beads of sweat had started to gather at the top of my hairline, everything was silent aside from the bubbling lava a few hundred feet from me. I needed to get a grip if I was going to survive this or be successful in my feat to bring Ben back to the light or at least get him part of the way there so Rey could bring him back fully.

"I'm not going to apologize." I hadn't heard Kylo walking towards me, nor did I know how long he had been standing there. Glancing up to his face for a moment, I noticed Kylo's mask was still off. "However, I shouldn't have made light of your experiences. That anger you felt when you ran would've lifted the rock, feed into it, control it," Kylo added. Bringing my head up, Kylo's face twitched but it had been so fast that it was impossible for me to guess what happened.

"What makes you and pa-Snoke so sure that I even have the force?" I asked, my voice more hoarse than I thought.

"Because he feels it and so do I," he crouched down to my level. "When we were arguing in the training room, I could feel the force coming from you but something is blocking the part of you that connects your power and the force together," Kylo explained, his eyes now meeting mine. He had to be referencing my meds but it still didn't make sense, the force wasn't real in my universe so how could it be possible that both he and Palpatine could feel my force energy?

I moved my gaze towards the lava lake and breathed a long sigh. Kylo's hand brushed against my elbow. My eyes clapped towards his and then his hand, which ever so lightly rested on my elbow. Kylo's callused hand actually felt _good_ against my skin- like in a comforting way. My eyes narrowed for a moment before I stood up with him. His fingers still lingered on my elbow making my heartbeat quicken. _No, this can't happen._ I warned myself as my elbow moved away from his touch. My feet moved past him but then stopped when it had been obvious that he wasn't following me.

"Are we training more?" I asked. Kylo turned finally and strode past me.

"Day's not done yet so yes," his tone had gone short and more of what I expected him to sound like. Nodding, I followed him back into Vader's palace, mentally preparing for more Sith training.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick trigger warning: This chapter deals with antidepressant withdrawals and suicidal thoughts.

After the disaster with Force training we moved on to lightsaber training but with sticks thankfully. It took me a few hours but I had started getting pretty good at it - for a newbie at least. The third day of lightsaber training had taken a turn. That morning I had woken up nauseous, _it had to be the food_. My body wasn’t used to _Star Wars_ food so maybe my body was finally reacting to foreign food. _They’re human like you, they can’t have evolved because technically Star Wars takes place in the past...Or maybe it's like a weird form of elevation sickness?_ No solution I came up with made sense and a headache had started to swell so the easiest thing had been to just ignore it.

Walking into the training room, I felt no better than before but Kylo wouldn’t care, training was too important; and quite honestly, I hated to be seen as weak or needed to be taken care of. Just because I wasn’t mentally or emotionally okay doesn’t mean that I wanted or needed anyone to baby me, it’s because I’m clinically depressed that I need to be strong, and I need to show everyone that I’m strong.

“Are you feeling alright?” Kylo asked, taking a long look at me, while picking up his stick. I nodded.

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?” I asked curtly, trying to grab at my own stick only to watch it stumble out of hands on crash on the floor. Huffing a long exasperated sigh, my body bent over to grab my stick and my fingers clasped onto it tightly.

“Something about you feels... off,” he answered, getting into our fighting position.

Without waiting for him to start, I lunged towards him and even though I had caught him by surprise he was still able to dodge it. The nausea grew inside me and the tremors in my body worsened. _No...I will_ not _be weak!_ I chanted at myself. Kylo and I continued to duel, using form III, but no matter how much I improved Kylo was always better. Anger had started to boil inside my core, I used it to help me fight.

“You’re getting cocky,” Kylo warned, panting.

“Or maybe I’m just getting better,” I fought back. My fingers shook and cramped, forcing the stick to fall and hit the floor. Kylo grabbed my wrist pulling me forward as if he were going to impale me on the stick but it went passed by my side, stopping at my armpit.

“You’re getting cocky,” Kylo repeated slowly, his hot breath spreading across my face. Beads of sweat trickled down my face. Grunting, my hands pushed Kylo away from me. Again, I pulled my stick up off the floor and held it in an offensive position. Kylo waved me off.

“No, we’re done with saber training for today, we’re going to focus on- _hey_!” I had lunged at him again, this time hitting his shoulder.

“That’s one arm gone,” I growled. Kylo’s dark eyes shifted and his body squared. Swinging the stick around his body he now took the offensive stance but this time for a change I could anticipate his moves. I didn’t know exactly how I knew when and where he would strike but my body reacted to the ways he would move and suddenly we were perfectly matched. My stomach gave me a two second warning to find somewhere to throw up but there hadn’t even been a garbage can in the room.

Dropping my stick my eyes widened with horror as my feet flew from the room. The heaving had started but thankfully nothing had come out. Making it to my room, I clawed at the bathroom door and crawled to my toilet as vomit violently exited my body. I knew what was happening now, it hadn’t been a normal sickness. The nausea, vomiting, headache, tremors; my body was going through withdrawals. My body heaved and heaved until absolutely nothing was left in my system. My skin felt warm and all the anger energy I had earlier had depleted. I curled up on the bathroom floor, letting its coolness absorb into my body.

“What’s wrong with you?” Kylo asked, his voice curt and authoritative.

“Go away,” I groaned, waving my hand. “I don’t want you to see me this way.”

“What’s wrong?” Kylo repeated his voice still firm but softer. Sighing, I closed my eyes and took in a long breath.

“I’m going through a med withdrawal,” I answered. Since there was still silence, I continued. “I told you the first day we met that I’m on antidepressants. I’m supposed to take them every single day in order to function properly but since you don’t have anything like that here my body is experiencing a withdrawal. So in short that means I’m going to be incapacitated for a while until the drug completely exits my system. Does that make sense?” I moaned. More silence, a part of me thought Kylo had left. Opening one eye I saw that he still stood at the entrance of my bathroom. “I’m sorry if that spoils your plans but there’s literally no way that I can train like this until the antidepressant is out of my body,” I groaned dryly. Kylo’s footsteps moved and I would’ve assumed that he had left the room. Instead his hands moved around my body until I was off the floor.

“No, I’m too heavy, lemme walk,” I groaned again. Kylo ignored my plea and marched out of the bathroom.

The door hissed behind him and he continued over to my bed where he placed me gently onto the mattress. I turned my face towards him, my green eyes meeting his dark brown ones. He said nothing and yet I had the vaguest sense that he was worried about _me_. Probably because he didn’t want to upset his master.

“I’ll speak with Snoke and see what we should do next, rest for now,” he ordered gently. Nodding I watched him turn around and leave. My heart released a beat that it had been holding and my head spun. I’ve been okay at reading people but there was no way that I could’ve felt that worried energy from him. It had to be in my head, it was the only logical explanation.

Eventually exhaustion took me and I didn’t not awake again until the next morning where my nausea had gotten worse and sweat had flowed down the sides of my face. Kylo stood at the end of my bed, his face stoic but he didn’t _feel_ stoic, I couldn’t pinpoint what emotion he had been experiencing but it wasn’t what his body conveyed.

“Snoke says that you need to rest until everything is out of your body. I’ve brought a med droid to see if there’s anything to speed up the process,” he informed. I blinked and nodded. “I’ll come by later and check on you,” he added before turning towards the door. _What a relief...He’s lying..._ I shook my head. What would he lie about? There had been no reason for a lie, it was just my brain.

I had drifted off to sleep again without realizing but when I woke up this time, I had been covered in vomit. Didn’t remember throwing up and yet there it was all over my clothes and hair. _Time for a bath..._ Swinging my legs over the bed, I attempted to get up but the tremors in my body still had subsided forcing me to plop back down on the bed again. Breathing heavily, I tried again only to have gravity work against me. My door hissed open but I didn’t care who came in, I needed to get to the bathroom.

“What are you doing?” Kylo’s rushed voice echoed through my room. His hands tried to force me back down but I swiped them away.

“I need a bath... I’m covered in vomit.” My head pounded at the movement.

“Where’s your protocol droid?” he asked, I shrugged. He moved away from me and went out in the hall. Meanwhile I took in deep shaky breaths and managed to stand up, I waited for a moment to make sure that I was steady enough to move. _Ok...breathe...ok just pick one foot up and move forward._ My body obeyed and I had almost made it until another wave of vomit spilled out of me. For some odd reason, call it delirious instinct, I covered my mouth with my soiled top and let the vomit seep into it. My body shivered and after taking one more step, I couldn’t feel my feet any longer so everything fell to the ground with a loud ‘thump’.

“Ow..” I groaned. _Get up!_ I chastised myself, Kylo Ren did _not_ get to see me helpless on the floor. Lifting myself up, my body slowly heaved itself off the floor and made it the rest of the way to the bathroom.

Once in front of the tub, I allowed my body to sit on the cool floor as I started filling the tub. My mind ran away with me and suddenly a violent image of myself in the tub but underwater and never coming back up popped up uninvited. _Stop!_ Shaking my head, I fought to get the image out of my head. I wanted to live, I _want_ to live.

When the tub was full, I took off the sweat and vomit encrusted clothes off my body then eased myself into the warm water. My head continued to pound and spin every which way possible but whenever I closed my eyes the violent image of me underwater came rushing back.

“Mary, are you in there?” Kylo asked, knocking on the door.

“Yes,” I sighed.

“O-okay I’ll just go. I found TC let her know if you need anything.” My mouth spoke before my brain could contemplate.

“Wait B-Kylo?” I asked, hoping he hadn’t left yet.

“Yes?” he called from the door.

“W-would you mind staying, I don’t want to be alone right now.” Silence had been his reply, I didn’t hear his heavy boots walking away but he hadn’t responded. “Please,” I whispered.

“Okay,” he muttered back, I almost didn’t hear him but my heart skipped a beat. I needed a distraction from all this, it would be the only way to get that image out of my head.

“What’s your favorite kind of ice cream?” I asked.

“What’s ice cream?” Kylo responded with his own question.

“You have _got_ to be kidding me! There’s no ice cream here? I mean you have blue and green milk! Did no one in the entire galaxy think to get it really cold, add a crap ton of sugar then eat it?” Kylo’s silence answered my own question. _Well...goodbye ice cream_ , I mourned.

“What’s one thing you’ve never done that you always wanted to do?” I asked, my voice a little louder so that he would hear me clearly.

“See my grandmother’s lake house on Naboo,” he answered.

“Padme, right?” I asked. “I’ve seen the mov-pictures of it but I can’t remember the details but it seems like a peaceful place to be.”

“Naboo was one the best places I ever visited with my mother,” he added. “Is your mother still alive?” he asked.

“Yeah, yeah she is,” I sighed. “Her name is Helen, she lives with my dad and my younger brother, Sam.”

“You miss them,” Kylo observed. Coating my hair with water, I nodded.

“Yeah but I’m sure they don’t miss me, I’ve always been a burden on them. It’s better that I’m gone in this way.” My emotions were welling up again. “Okay new topic, favorite things you liked to do when you were younger?”

“I didn’t spend a lot of time with my parents when I was young. As soon as I had been old enough my parents shipped me off to my uncle Luke so I-I-I could learn to become a _jedi_ master. They don’t care about me either, not that it mattered if they did,” he muttered the end of his sentence so quietly, I almost missed it.

“That’s not true,” I argued, stepping slowly out of the tub and wrapping myself up in a nearby robe. “I know it feels like that but your parents _love_ you, I know they do.” Ben had grown silent again, maybe this time he had left. I knew talking about his parents was a sensitive topic.

Sighing, I opened the bathroom door only to reveal a casually dressed Kylo standing in front of me. He looked just like he did in _Rise of Skywalker_ when he went to fight with Rey against Palpatine. The same black top but with no tears and the same pants and shoes. It was his most attractive outfit mostly because he had been Ben during that. _Had he been dressed this way all day and I just hadn't noticed?_ His outfit is what should've surprised me the most but it wasn't, it had been his face and the expression he wore.

Kylo stood in front of me, dark eyes, moist and red. My maternal instincts kicked in and without asking permission, my hand went up towards his cheek and wiped away the stray tear. My heart broke for him, I knew his struggles and I knew there wasn’t anything I could do that would help. If he could only met Rey quicker would Ben Solo be able to come back. Kylo leaned into my hand but said nothing. How is it that he was so vulnerable with me? I’ve known him only a few days and most of that time was spent in anger yet here he was, a broken version of himself that no one but Rey got to see.

Again, without asking permission or consent, I moved closer to his body and slowly wrapped my arms around his neck waiting to see if he would push me away. When he didn't I tried to give him any kind of positive energy that I could. _Take it, I’m going to be immobile for at least two weeks..._ I thought, as if he could hear my thoughts. Kylo’s arms, snaked around my waist. We both needed this, we were both so alone in this universe, no one to really understand us. Who knew the last time Ben Solo had been hugged, we were both touch starved and in this moment we knew each other and found solace in one another. I prayed that it would last.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: This chapter deals with a highly descriptive panic attack. Reader Discretion is advised.
> 
> Also I hope y'all are smart enough to know this but people eat tide pods so PLEASE don't stop taking your meds because you think you might have the force. If you want to quit your meds please consult with your Dr. THANK YOU.

The rest of the week did not get any easier, thankfully TC and I now had a routine that kept the vomit smell to a minimum but I hadn’t seen her yet today. The tremors hadn’t improved but they didn’t get any worse. Kylo hadn’t been back to see me since our vulnerable moment and it was difficult to manage the emotions that came with the absence. 

_He’s obviously ashamed for letting me see him at a weak moment. I shouldn’t have hugged him, I shouldn’t have touched him._ The memory of us touching and hugging swirled around my heart making my chest tighten. I couldn’t have _real_ feelings for Ben Solo because he wasn’t real. The version of Ben Solo that I know isn’t real and I couldn’t let my feelings get in the way especially since he was meant for Rey. That had to be the one thing that stayed the same in every version of this story. Once the meds emptied my system, I would have better control over my emotions...hopefully.

I needed to walk, I spent so long in this stupid bed that I for sure thought that I would forget how to walk, plus it had been too quiet. I just needed to take everything super slow. It started with moving to a sitting position on the side of my bed. So far no dizziness, taking a deep breath I moved upwards. Stumbling for a minute, I used my surroundings to steady myself, my head pounded with dizziness that shook my eyes. Once the world went back to being still, I pushed my hair behind my ears then took a step forward. _So far so good, just keep it slow._

Making it to the door, I clicked on the button forgetting that it hasn’t opened for me since I’ve been here. This time had been different, the door hissed opened, exposing an empty hallway void of any noise. _Everyone left me, the planet is exploding and they left me because I’m dead weight._ My mind raced with illogically improbable scenarios but real logic had no place inside me right now. My breathing quickened as I traveled downstairs and towards the training room. _I just need to see one person - a trooper, anyone so I know that I’m just being anxious._ Peeking behind the training room to see it vacant my heartbeat quickened. _Outside._ Yes! If I go outside and see a ship then that means that I’m not here alone and everything is okay.

I wanted to fly down the stairs and out the door but my body’s temporary limitations forbade me to go faster than a elderly person with a walker. My hand stayed glued to the wall so that I didn’t fall. The last few steps to the door from the bottom of the stairs didn’t have anything for me to hold onto but I had to see if there was a ship, I needed to see if I was to be abandoned. My fingers violently shook at the door handle while the demons in my mind chanted that I had been left alone to die. I couldn’t breathe anymore and yet air went in and out so quickly that I had to be breathing. _Why did this damn door have a handle anyway? I thought all the doors opened automatically or have damn buttons at least?_

“Gotta get out, gotta get out, gotta get out, gotta get out,” I muttered to myself in between breaths. Everything that had been happening around me, made me feel like I was drowning with no reprieve.

When the handle proved to not move on my command, I resolved to banging on the door. Maybe there were people outside who didn’t know that I’d been locked in.

“Let me out!” I begged, continuously hitting the metallic door. I couldn’t die this way, not alone. The sound of lava rang through my ears, whether it had been real or not didn’t matter to me. My brain was _so_ loud, I couldn’t hear anything aside from my own panic. Not the footsteps behind me, not my name being called. My hands stung from the persistent hitting but I had to keep going, tears flooded my cheeks as the thought of dying alone on this planet became more and more real.

A gloved hand grabbed my wrist and spun me around to find an irritated Kylo staring back at me. Seeing him, even though he looked antagonized had been the biggest relief.

“Are you _trying_ to wake the entire palace?” he demanded. Of course, I wasn’t alone on this planet, it just had to be night and since I had no real strength or want to run away there had been no need for guards outside my door.

Furious with myself, I took my hand back and turned away from Kylo, he did _not_ get to see me cry. Obviously he’d already seen the tears on my face but he didn’t get to see new ones. My hands pressed against my face and eyes, as if trying to build a dam for my fresh tears. I hated crying, I hated it with a passion and yet it’s all I’ve been doing since I got here.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I-I just hadn’t heard anyone so I thought the palace was in danger and everyone left me. I just needed to see that the ship was still here but I couldn’t open the door,” I explained, my hands pressing harder against my eyes.

“What made you think that I’d leave you here?” he asked softly. I shook my head, not wanting to answer him.

“Ah,” he responded, I couldn’t be surprised that he read my thoughts. “Will you look at me?” he asked, his tone still soft and almost protective, if that could be used to describe someone’s voice. Taking in a long deep breath, I moved my hands away from my eyes, making sure to move the tears away as well. Then turned my body towards him. He was wearing his normal Kylo Ren robes and his hair was disheveled and uncombed like it did when we hugged each other.

I couldn’t read him like I had been able to in the past, it had to be because of my own high strung emotions but I hated not knowing what he was feeling.

“I have no idea what got you to be this way but I’m going to teach you a skill so that you’ll always be able to sense me but I need you to close your eyes and reach out with your mind. Tell me what you see.” Nodding, I did as he said.

I saw trees that looked burnt but I knew that they were growing and flourishing. I saw bones and corpses of what had to be the natives of Mustafar. My instinct had been to flinch and look away from them but I didn’t want to, something about it drew me in like hypnosis. I saw the light from the lava and the darkness of the sky and between all of it a force. _The_ force! My mind kept wandering, I saw the sleeping troopers and I saw Ben...Ben with a darkness around him but it had the tiniest cut in it, meaning that there was a seed of hope for him yet.

Opening my eyes again, they landed on Kylo’s rich brown eyes and the world quieted.

“I have the force,” I muttered, trying to make sense of what just happened.

“Yes, you see it now?” I nodded, using my teeth to tug on my bottom lip. “And you saw me there, didn’t you?”

“Yes,” I breathed.

“All you have to do is reach out and you’ll see me _here_. I’m not going to abandon my apprentice here, I promise.” Again, I nodded and then my feet fell out from under me leaving the world black.

Next time my eyes opened my feet were in the air, dangling and I felt _warm_. Glancing around, it made sense that I was being carried. The horror of someone - _Kylo_ _Ren_ actually _feeling_ how heavy I weighed burned my bones.

“Stop!” I shouted, pushing against Kylo’s chest and rolling out of his arms to meet with the ground, thank the Maker for my big booty because that fall would’ve hurt otherwise.

I had hoped to be spared from Kylo’s expression but the way I rolled had me in perfect eyesight of him and his shocked and puzzled expression.

“What just happened?” he asked, probably more to himself.

“I - um have no idea what happened. I probably got overwhelmed being a new force user and all. I don’t need to be carried, you could’ve just slapped my face and that would’ve done the trick. I’m good now so you can just leave me here.” Everything came out in one breath, Kylo’s puzzled expression remained the same.

“You fainted, I was just taking you to your room,” he responded. “I’m not leaving until I know that your safe back in bed.” Now would’ve been an appropriate time to get up and prove that I could walk on my own but seeing double Kylo’s made staying on the ground the safest option.

“Not necessary, I’m fine right here as soon as there is only one of you then I can move again.”

“Dank farik,” he muttered, rolling his eyes. Kylo put out his hand towards me, when I didn’t move he waved his fingers towards me. “Give me. Your. Hand,” he ordered slowly. My insides purred involuntarily and I was left with no choice but to raise my hand up to him and let Kylo pull me to my feet. “I won’t carry you but I will be walking with you to your bed to ensure that you don’t hurt yourself.” He was in the right, it’s what I would’ve done if I saw this happen to someone else. Why couldn’t I just submit and accept the help? Easy answer, why don’t people ever take their own advice? Same principle.

I had to control my thoughts better now that I was more in touch with the force but I’d be 100% lying if I didn’t admit to myself that I loved it when Kylo touched me. I loved feeling his body heat against mine, his fingers wrapped around my arm and hand on my back. I didn’t remember a lot of _Star Wars_ facts and trivia but what I did remember was how Ben Solo/Adam Driver made me feel. _What a simp...._

Kylo didn’t let go of my arm until I was sitting in my bed then he waited for me to get under my covers. I still couldn’t tell what he was feeling or hear his thoughts, I mean he was obviously better than me at hiding them but I would always hate not knowing. I watched Kylo leave my room and in the silence, excitement filled my body. _I_ had the _force_! Padme would’ve been so freaking jealous even though she always claimed that she’d be more into the pilots than the Jedi. I knew how she’d react whenever I got to tell her. _If_ I ever get to tell her. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like every chapter so far has had a trigger warning lol. Well here's another one!
> 
> *Trigger Warning* This chapter deals with Self Harm 
> 
> Reader Discretion is Advised

“Let the fear in and let it consume you,” Kylo instructed. It had been easier to reach into my raw emotions because of withdrawal. The symptoms were beginning to subside or I was just getting used to them. Before the training started back up again, Kylo had made an effort to visit everyday. Sometimes we spent half the day talking about each other our likes and dislikes. He still had a pretty high wall around him but that would never surprise me about him. It was strange however, to see a different side of him that I didn’t get with the movies - well then again, these weren’t the movies but his real life. My hands still shook pretty bad so instead of lightsaber training we were working on the force, which had been easier to access than when I first got here.

Taking deep breaths I pressed deeper into my mind, looking back and accessing all the memories that had caused pain. I dwelled inside my depression and the thoughts that came with it, but every time that I allowed myself to feel those dark feelings I lost my power. My eyes shot open and a heavy breath came out just as the basaltic rock hit the ground.

“You had it,” Kylo muttered under his breath, antagonized.

“I know I’m sorry, every time I get close it’s like something stops me,” I shook my head, defeated. Kylo pursed his lips and walked around our training room.

“You have to let me in, so I can see what’s stopping you,” he concluded, pinching the bridge of his nose. The blood drained from my face and sank to the pit of my stomach. The last thing I wanted was Kylo Ren _inside_ my head. Obviously he could’ve just done it like he did with Rey in _Force Awakens_ but he hadn’t, not since that first day when we met.

“Are you asking permission? I thought you could just force your way in.” My hand moved towards him, my fingers wiggling to mock him. Kylo blinked twice, unamused.

“No, I’m not asking for permission,” his voice cut like a knife. “I’m warning you so you aren’t afraid,” he clarified, his voice softer. I nodded, took a long deep breath, let it out slowly and closed my eyes to go back to access some of the memories and pain.

High school. I watched myself sit in my english class, nose glued to a book. In the far corner were a group of girls, not popular by any means but well known. They snickered and pointed at me and my hunched shoulders. I knew they were laughing at me, making fun of me. _Loneliness_. There it was, the raw emotion. With my mind I reached out to it and went deeper. There were weekends I spent alone, staring out my window, wishing for a life better than this. Deeper, I was in the bathroom at school, it wasn’t a well used bathroom. Tears were in steady streams down my cheeks, my ribs had closed in on itself. The pain was located in my heart, it had been so intense that I was positive my heart was literally breaking. I looked down and saw my wrist, numb, swollen and bloodied, in my other hand the razor I kept with me for cases such as this. When the pain became too much for me to bear, I needed this release. _Deeper..._

My eyes snapped open and this time air came flooding into my lungs, I had been holding my breath for too long. While I hadn't physically cut myself in months, the memories of my self harm were too fresh, I needed to think of something else if I were going to stay okay.

“I need a break,” I choked, starting to stand slowly. Kylo started to get up with me but shaking my head and hand stopped him. “I need to be alone for a minute, I’m just going to sit on the launch pad outside.” Kylo’s wide eyes made him look like a helpless puppy that I wanted to scoop up and ignore my own pain but I had to take care of my needs first.

The smoke rich air had laced my lungs and for once it felt comforting. My body had finally been adapting to the environment. Sitting on the ground next to our shuttle, I focused on my breathing and on clearing out the negative emotions. I didn’t want to succumb to the dark, I couldn't. If I continued down this path and allowed my emotions consume then I wouldn't last long but I guess I would be dead either way. I would never be a Sith, soon Kylo would find out and soon Palpatine would find out too, then he'd have Kylo kill me.

“So you aren’t even going to try,” Kylo’s voice rumbled. I craned my head towards Kylo’s direction then back forwards. Sniffing I shook my head.

“There’s no point. You and Snoke want me to give into my emotions and let them control me but I can’t do that.” Standing up, I walked over to Kylo.

“Can’t or won’t?” he asked, looking down at me.

“Won’t? I don’t know, both? Look, you saw what was in my mind, you felt the emotions I felt. I understand that I’m going to have to live without antidepressants and somehow I’ll manage but don’t ask me to go into the dark places - I won't survive there. I can’t be the Sith apprentice you and Snoke want me to be.”

“So you want to be a Jedi then?” he asked his voice thick like he just tasted poision. Kylo’s blatant neglect of everything important astounded me. Scoffing and shaking my head I walked past him. “You didn’t answer my question,” he announced. If he was trying to bait me into being angry it worked. Spinning around on my heel, I marched back to Kylo, our heads only inches away from one another.

“Everything is so black and white with you! Be a Sith or be a-a-uh a Jedi. Well I don’t want to be either!” I hissed. Kylo’s dormant expression stayed the same. “I don’t have the emotional control to be a Jedi plus I feel like not dealing with your darker emotions is weakness. Not being able to have attachments goes against human nature! I saw what suppressing emotions did to Anakin Skywalker and I _won’t_ let it happen to me.” I finished curtly. Since Kylo’s expression remained unchanged I sighed and started to walk away from him.

“If won’t become a Sith Snoke’s going to have me kill you,” he responded loudly. Turning around again but still walking, I opened my arms wide.

“Go ahead then! There’s nothing for me here anyways. If you haven’t noticed, no one from the Resistance has come looking for me, Rey and Finn were probably happy to get rid of me. So do it, I’m not scared to die!” I shouted back.

This time when I turned, my head spun around too fast, making me tumble and hit the door with the side of my body. _Damn it!_ I couldn’t even end an argument in a cool way in a freaking _Star Wars_ universe. Closing my eyes I waited for the world to stop spinning. However, the sound of Kylo Ren’s lightsaber igniting had been enough for me to open my eyes prematurely. He stood a little ways from me, not close enough to kill me yet. A deep breath rippled through me as I moved my back to be against the door. Kylo marched up to me, arm extended and he didn’t stop until the heat of his lightsaber warmed my torso. Our gaze never broke contact, I meant what I said, he had to be testing me, waiting for me to beg for my life but I wouldn't give him such satisfaction. I didn’t fear dying. Dying would be a release from my fleshy prison and no one in this world would care. Kylo stood unmoving, _Why won’t he just do it?_ _Maybe I needed to help?_

Without breaking eye contact, I stepped forward, bracing for intense heat that would end my life. My body moved forward and the red hue of the lightsaber was extinguished. Kylo dropped the saber on the ground and squared his jaw.

“Why didn’t you...?” My voice trailed off. Kylo took a few long steps until he had me in his arms. “Wait, what are you-” his mouth crashed down on mine.

His lips were softer than I imagined them to be. I’d only been kissed one other time and that was during a very unfortunate game of spin the bottle in the 7th grade. Chad Michaelson. Or so I thought it was Chad Michaelson. The other kids made me close my eyes when I opened them it hadn't been Chad but some other kid who I didn't know but everyone's reaction made me think that he was less than desirable to kiss. Everyone had started to point and laugh at me. It was different with Ben, there was emotion behind this, he wanted to do this. I couldn’t even tell if he had kissed someone before, I think the safest option would be no but damn it was hard to tell.

My heart beat drummed to the beat of Van Halen’s song “Hot for Teacher” _Oh how appropriate_ I smirked at myself. My hands rested on his chest, the insides of my body melted under his touch. I inhaled every inch of him that was possible, no matter what happened next I didn’t want to forget any single microscopic moment of this.

My lungs contracted within themselves and sorrowfully, I pushed Ben away taking in the much needed air into my lungs. Ben’s dark eyes poured into mine, asking if something was wrong and if I had let myself think logically I would’ve reminded myself that he’s meant for Rey but that was later, this was now and I wanted him more than anything else and considering that I would be dead soon, logic really didn't matter.

“We can’t...” I breathed, playing devil’s advocate, I wanted to, I wanted him to say yes. Ben’s eyebrows furrowed for a moment then relaxed.

“We can - just not out here,” he panted, his looking around us, probably searching for peeping troopers. 

Ben took my hand and pulled me forwards, my head spun so fast that it had been too late for me to realize that I still couldn’t walk normally. My feet stumbled forwards, tripping over themselves. “Can I carry you?” he asked with urgency. My eyebrows raised cynically and I shook my head, hair falling forward. It was then that I became grossly aware of how _ugly_ my body was, which only meant one thing... this was pity. “You’re lighter than you think you are,” he whispered, his mouth next to my ear. I would always be powerless when he whispered, the organs inside me turned to jelly.

“Fine, just - don’t drop me.” It could’ve been taken as a joke but since I had all this weight my insecurities were still sky high. Ben swept me up from the ground and started walking.

“Never,” He assured me quietly.

Ben made his way up the stairs to my room, carrying me all the way inside and only setting me on my feet once the door had closed. He pinned my body against the door, his dark almost black eyes never breaking with my green ones. The lights were off, the only thing I could really see was Ben and the dark shapes of things I had memorized in my room. My heart hadn’t quieted for a moment and I doubted it would until Ben left me.

Ben’s hands traveled towards my face, he cupped my cheeks and moved his thumbs in small circles. My cheeks burned and my breathing had started to tremble. Everything felt so intense that my body could hardly handle it. _This is just pity, doesn't really want you. He's doing this because he feels bad for you._ Clamping my eyes shut, I turned my face away from Ben.

“Do you feel sorry for me?” I asked quietly. Ben blinked twice before he bent down and placed the softest of kisses on my lips.

“I’m sad for you - for your past and the pain that you've had to endure but since the moment we met there’s been something _pulling_ me towards you. I knew that I needed you in my life,” he whispered. Words failed me, nothing could come out, not that I would know what to say even if I could speak. Ben bent his face down once more, hesitantly, his lips connected with mine. Kissing him back, I allowed my hands to move up towards his neck where I pulled him closer to me. His arms snaked around my waist holding me.

Ben moved us backwards until we stumbled onto my bed. His hands explored the different parts of my body. When he found the hem of shirt and started to lift, instinctively I pulled away from him. His eyes moved around my face, searching for the problem.

“M-my fat, it's disgusting,” I whispered shamefully. Ben smirked and an airy laugh left his nose. Pouting, I looked back him, _did he agree with me? Well why wouldn't he if it's true.._ true as it might've been there hadn't been a need to laugh. Ben moved away from my face and went directly to my stomach and love handles then pressed warm kisses all over.  
“Every bit of you is beautiful, whether you see it or not,” he muttered in between kisses. A sigh left my lips and a smile broke through. “Do you want me to stop?” he asked.

“No, just be slow with me, that’s all I ask.” A laugh came from Ben’s lips as his face came into view again.

“Aw baby girl, I can be as fast or as slow as you want me to be,” he spoke softly, seductively. Smiling I grabbed his face and put it back onto mine and allowed his hands to continue their original task. I could worry about Rey tomorrow.


	11. Chapter 11

I hadn’t had sex before never had the connection with anyone that made me want it. I always had low expectations for it if it did end up happening; because I assumed that my depression would ruin it. I thought my bigger body would ruin it but hell was I wrong. I didn’t feel like a “change” or anything like Padme said I would but the euphoria that came after made it better.

My heart had slowed a little bit once we finished but it still drummed through my ears and it was almost impossible to frown. My head lay on Ben’s chest, his fingers drawing lines and shapes on my exposed back.

“I didn’t know I could feel this way,” I whispered. Ben chuckled, continuing his finger patterns on my skin.

“I know what you mean,” he sighed, contented, his finger still moving circles around my back.

“I don’t think you do,” I sighed. Ben’s fingers paused their doodling, I needed to clarify. “You are beautiful in - in so many ways. I’m sure there were plenty of people on Starkiller that wanted to sleep with you and did sleep with you but me? I’ve been considered repulsive since it started to matter but I didn’t know that _this_ could make me feel beautiful.”

“You’re not repulsive,” Ben murmured after a minute of silence. My heart jumped into the base of my throat. “You’re strange, stubborn and...complicated. You’re an outcast - like me,” his words were picked out carefully as if he wanted to say something to fill the silence but there was something else that he wanted to say but wouldn’t or couldn’t.

“What now?” I sighed, my head glued to his chest.

“What do you mean?” Ben asked softly. My head turned so that I could see his face; my chin rested on my hand that was still on his chest.

“I mean, I told you that I’m not going to be a Sith - or a Jedi. Snoke will want me dead either way and he’ll want _you_ to kill me. So what happens now?” Ben broke eye contact with me and glanced up at the dark ceiling.

“I’m not going to let Snoke kill you,” he promised, lightly squeezing my upper arm with his other hand. “But I won’t be able to keep you safe by myself.” This had been my chance, was it too soon? Didn’t matter, I had to try.

“We could go find your mother’s base,” I suggested and even before the words left my mouth the little euphoric bubble we had over us had burst. Ben’s body tensed underneath me; it had been too early to even bring up seeing his mother but the words were out and the only other way to go was up...or down. “Kylo you don’t have to be here, you don’t have to serve under Snoke.” I sat up. “ Together you and I could go and- and I’m certain your mother will welc-”

“ _Enough!_ ” his voice bellowed. Kylo tore the blankets off himself and sat at the edge of the bed, his back facing me, shoulders heaving up and down. “This was all a ploy,” he muttered to himself.

“What?” he couldn’t have been serious.

“You’ve been with the Resistance this entire time.” He stood up from the bed, pulling his pants up over his hips then turned back towards me. “This- this - this _whole_ thing had been the Resistance’s plan. They wanted you to get captured because they knew I’d train you and then you’d try to get me to go against Snoke.”

“Kylo this is insane! I couldn’t even remember your _name_ the first time I saw you! How could I have been a part of a Resistance plan?” I asked, wrapping the bed sheet around me.

“Or was that part of the plan? There isn’t a being in the _entire galaxy_ that doesn’t know my name,” he growled.

“I don’t know how many times I have to say it until you believe me. _I’m not from this universe_!” I shouted. Kylo paused to stare at me with a blank face. “My name is Mary Johnson. I live on planet _Earth_ in the Milky Way galaxy or whatever. My best friend Padme made a portal machine thing that I just happened to trip through and ended up here,” I paused to catch my breath. “All of _this_ , is just a movie where I’m from! _You_ are played by an actor, your “mother” is an actress. None of it is _real_. I’ve seen this movie a couple of times, which is why I was able to know things about you. I landed on Jakku where I met Rey and Finn or FN-21 whatever - I got caught and left behind.” Honestly it felt awesome to let all that out but Ben had already made up his mind.

“That’s a well rehearsed story. I’m sure Supreme Leader Snoke will enjoy hearing it,” his hollow voice stated. Scoffing, I rolled my eyes at him and crossed my arms over my chest. Ben picked up the last few bits of his clothes and marched towards the door. “We’ll leave for Starkiller Base soon and you’ll tell the First Order everything you know.” The walls were up and the glimmer of Ben that I had disappeared.

Fury burned inside me like small embers being fanned into flame. A long slew of curse words rang through my head. I may not have been able to say them to his face but he could hear me and that’s all that mattered. Tearing the sheets off of me I marched to my drawer and after furiously tearing clothes out of it, I located the outfit I had arrived with.

 _Well that’s just typical, I finally have sex with someone and it ends in a damn shit show!_ I needed to hit something but everything looked too hard or too soft. The next best thing was to throw things. Anything that I could lift with my hands ended up in a different spot than it had originated from. With all this rage, I probably could’ve used the force to move even more things like furniture but I didn’t want anything to do with the force right now.

It hadn’t been a full hour before a pair of troopers opened my door and escorted me to the landing pad and onto our shuttle cruiser ship thing. Kylo had already been on the ship, I was the last to board. The ship lifted off the ground and left Mustafar’s atmosphere. My gaze stayed on the molten lava planet for as long as possible before we went into hyperdrive or whatever the hell it’s called - the space highway.

The furnace that powered my anger had quieted but not extinguished. I would be dead soon (hopefully) I never knew how long the First Order kept prisoners before executing them or if I was a special case. There was no point in being scared, I had failed. I wanted to help the galaxy by bringing back Ben Solo. Oddly enough the despair for my failure isn’t even what hurt the most about the situation. What hurt the most was that I had been vulnerable in every way possible and it wasn’t enough. _I_ wasn’t enough. This would’ve been an appropriate time to fight off the anguish but there was no energy left so the only other choice was to let it consume me and I’d allow it.

“We’re coming up on Starkiller Base,” a trooper announced. Our ship dropped out of lightspeed or hyperspace and we began our descent on the planet. Did Rey ever get captured? Did it matter? She’d be rescued soon and I’d be dead, who cares.

The ship landed inside the base and the door opened. Two rows of troopers got out first and stood on either side of the ramp.

“It’s not too late to change sides,” Kylo muttered behind me.

“It’s not too late for you either, it’s never been too late,” I pushed, turning towards Kylo and his dark eyes. Pursing his lips and he shook his head before landing his sight back to me.

“I imagine it won’t take much effort for us to get information out of you,” he paused, his eyes wandering my puzzled expression. “because of how easy it was for me to get you to spread your legs.” There would be no stopping me. My hand craned back and hit Kylo’s cheek as hard as possible. The slap echoed through our ship and hot tears burned behind my eyes.

“Fuck you,” my voice filled with icey venom. Two troopers came into the shuttle to grab my hand and place restraints on my wrist. My fingers stung but nothing had ever felt so good.

The troopers walked me into the throne room with Kylo in front of us. Snoke appeared on the platform.

“My apprentice, you have bad news I see,” his voice groaned with age.

“Yes Supreme Leader, Mary is no Sith and she has been conspiring with the Resistance,” Kylo informed. Half of it had been true but who cared what I said, my fate wouldn’t change.

“How disappointing,” he paused a moment. “She has no useful information about the Resistance,” Snoke pointed out. I needed to work on my own wall if I survived this. “Execute her then go find Han Solo and complete your training,” Snoke ordered before disappearing. _Han was here_? Maybe Rey did get captured and that meant the story had been back on track so there’s that.

Kylo released my restraints, took a tight hold on my upper arm and ushered me out of the throne room. I hated to admit it but honestly, I didn’t care that I was about to die. I gave one of the most vulnerable parts of myself to Ben only to be rejected by Kylo Ren. I could still feel the ghost of his hands on my body, it made me shiver and my stomach churn. The worst of it, was that I’d let him ravage me again. _Get some self respect, pathetic._

Kylo took me into an empty dimly lit room, much like the one I was first interrogated in. Kylo was conflicted, despite everything that had transpired he still cared about me. The emotion circled and wrapped around me, I had a small chance at surviving. Kylo released my arm and shut the door behind us, my body naturally went towards the wall opposite to him.

“Despite what you may think, I still care about you. I’m not going to apologize for anything that I said or did even if you regret it.” Kylo turned his face away from me and towards the door.

“I don’t regret it,” he muttered, avoiding my face. “I thought you liked me for who I am,” he muttered, his eyes were still averted from mine. Ben had tried to hide his heartache from me but I could almost touch the precipice of it. My instinct to step forward and comfort him almost pulled me off the wall but it would only get rejected again..

“I do, _so much_ , but this path is not who you are. You have so much more potential to be more than just Kylo Ren but to be Ben Solo.” The air stopped in my lungs, there wasn’t anyway for me to breathe except for in shallow gasps.

“I am the most powerful Sith since Darth Vader!” He roared, his eyes blazing with hatred. “I will _never_ be that weak boy again! Do you feel _that_?” he growled, his fingers curling in on themselves, tightening his grip on my throat.

The pressure of strangulation had started to reach my head, the pounding of my brain and heart echoed through my ears. It wouldn’t be long now. Kylo Ren’s eyes met mine and I wanted to feel anger and hate towards him, instead I knew that my death would only help him in his step towards the light side, just like his father’s death. Maybe with the both of us dead he’d come back all the quicker; I had a purpose now. Yeah I wanted to live (for now) but without my meds I wouldn’t survive long in this universe and with no way home or any idea how to get home I’d rather my death mean something.

“ _I only feel you,_ ” I croaked, lowering any piece of wall I had left so he could feel me.. Ben’s anger faltered but only slightly and not enough to loosen his force grip on me. “ _It’s okay Ben_ ,” I soothed. Ben’s tense and focused brows relaxed, his jaw and eyes followed. The whites of his eyes turned pink and his arm fell limp to his side. My body fell back towards the wall as air came flowing back into my lungs. Cough after cough smashed its way in to claim a spot in my lungs. The door hissed open and Kylo marched out of the room leaving me to catch my breath.

 _He didn’t kill me..._ there was no attempt to swallow and shelter my smile. Ben was still inside there and I broke through - even if it was just for a moment. I wouldn’t give up on him now and I wouldn’t have too. He was going to meet Rey and maybe because of me and my small influence he would come back before it was too late.

I was breathing again, it hurt of course with my head pounding and I imagine it would for a while but I needed to find a way off this base and get to the Resistance if I wanted to keep breathing and before everything blew up.

Getting to my feet, I opened the door and peered around the corners before walking in a direction. _How does anyone find anything?_ With a base this massive, it was almost imperative to have a map of some kind or how would anyone find anything? _Calm down, we aren’t going to find anything useful if we panic_. Squeezing into a small crevice, my eyelids closed and I took control of my breathing. If Rey was on this ship then I would need to sense her. With so many people, personalities and emotions made finding Rey more of a challenge than I anticipated. Broadening my search, I looked for Finn, Han or even Chewbacca. I continued to take deep breaths reaching out through the force for anyone familiar. I knew Han was on this ship because Snoke said so but I didn’t know how I would be able to explain everything to him without getting shot first.

A power, stronger than my own hit me in the chest. Rey. I could feel her, almost see her, her aura all through the force. I would never not be amazed by my having the force but there hadn’t been any time to waste, I needed to find her before Kylo found Han.


End file.
